“I was still a good for nothing slave”
How is it these changes in myself had an impact but didn’t really get the momentum up and running? Well let’s see, I worked full time, was a wife and mother of 5 (step children dynamic included), I had cooking, cleaning, hair-styling of children and relatives including myself, shopping, teaching, nurturing, and finding time for ME which included things like just being alone watching an old movie, exercise, television shows and thrift shopping. Oh and how can I forget…..my religious routines and obligations which involved keeping up with personal bible study (which I was so so at) helping my children, attending services and helping others in the community, all the while feeling I was still a “good for nothing slave” doing my best.
“my heart and mind; mentally reset or wiped”
So anything unusual to me and spiritual in nature came and gone like a passing breeze, it captures you for a brief moment and then its gone. I would attend special large religious, annual events and feel so deeply motivated that I could do more, there was so much more in me spiritually to strive for, almost a burning desire at times. I would take tons of notes at these events and reflect on them only to find the next day or so I was back to the hustle, notes forgotten with ease. It was as if my desire was literally snatched right out of my heart and mind; mentally reset or wiped. This life went on for quite some time.
“keep me from pushing outside my comfort zones”
I can say that over all I was content with my life. I had good family relationships, just enough friends to have very little drama and a great relationship with my spouse. Our home was small yet cozy, just right for me, rent was low, landlord was nice and my boss was as well. The perfect state to be in to keep me from ever pushing outside my cushy comfort zones to try to achieve / reveal for myself exactly what it was I was desiring and feeling……Because all this cushiness and comfort had to be because I was in fact doing just what I was supposed to right?……….
To be continued…………